What a frustrating day

Nobody knows that I really enjoyed the homily at Mass today. Nobody knows how much I enjoyed giving a tour to a group of 5th graders. Nobody knows that I read out loud in New Testament class for the first time today. Nobody knows I did an extra good job brushing my teeth. Nobody knows I smiled at the picture of the mother and the baby, laughed out loud at a story I was reading. Nobody knows I double checked my work on the t-shirt design to make sure everyone would like it. Nobody knows I'm trying not to be so conceptual, trying to be more present to people. Nobody knows I had a great conversation with my parents today. Nobody knows how excited I got about a story I'm writing. All anybody saw of me today was me irritable, me tired, me upset, me earringless, the 'pessimist', cursing and angry, stumbling to explain what it's like to have days where you have to fight against natural feelings, feel embarrassed because you couldn't hold a stiff upper lip, the me that just wants to sleep and be left alone, the me that was frumpy and bogged down by wet clothes, oh and earringless. I feel like a middle schooler. I feel completely misunderstood and unappreciated today. It's so frustrating to have nothing to give to others, and to even be a beggar in their sight, asking them for mercy, understanding, forgiveness, gentleness, when you simply can't find the resources in you to give back. It's frustrating when maybe what you could give back--a story, a smile, a laugh, a conversation--is hidden from any view but yours and God's. What a frustrating day.